milady_vilya: (rat speedboat)
[personal profile] milady_vilya
Time for another I'm not happy with myself updates please feel free to skip and ignore, I'm just tried of beating myself up inside my own head and putting down in writing  makes the slap in the face much harder, which is what I want right now.

I should say before I start this that I am still in the throws of Jet Lag. Spelling sense and coherence will not be in the following:

Mom and I arrived back in Manchester today for a short stay for my graduation and I am so happy to be back, but at the same time it's making me feel all of what I have not accomplished  since I left. I had hoped not to fall right back into my old habits and I did just that, I went back to the same job, same house, same life, that I had left. I haven't made more then token job inquieres  either and really I'm made at myself for leaving England before really trying to have a job and to stay as long as posible.  Then tonight I saw a friend on Twitter post that she was up looking at ways to stay and jobs (she's doing what I was doing last year) and I had the horrible thought that I didn't want her to do that because I hadn't I want her to fail, because I did .And that's horrible and not like me at all but I can't deny that it's true . I don't like being hirrible but I guess I don't want to be the only one who failed.

So like I do many nights I beat myself up and search for jobs at the worst possible time of night, (doing this while jet lagged and stupid is especially good). I knew coming back to England would be a mixed bag for me, so happy to be back in a place I love and feel whole, but knowing it's for a short time and I'll have to say goodbye with out knowing when I'll be back.

I know I'm an ove- emotional wreck, I let it out at the worst times (my con friends got to see a small bit and I hated and ashamed that I ever let that out)  But it's nearly three in the morning here and 10 back in atlanta so my control is all over the place and right now I just want.... I don't know what I wanted out of this, I 'd really like commoents of the ya you d suc type but most of you are far to nice and kind (unlike me) so i'm  going to disbale the comments. I just wanted to put this out in the void, of course if writing it out was all I wanted I could just keep it private, but then how aweful i am.

Good night dear void.

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milady_vilya

July 2015

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