milady_vilya: (rat speedboat)
Time for another I'm not happy with myself updates please feel free to skip and ignore, I'm just tried of beating myself up inside my own head and putting down in writing  makes the slap in the face much harder, which is what I want right now.

I should say before I start this that I am still in the throws of Jet Lag. Spelling sense and coherence will not be in the following:

Mom and I arrived back in Manchester today for a short stay for my graduation and I am so happy to be back, but at the same time it's making me feel all of what I have not accomplished  since I left. I had hoped not to fall right back into my old habits and I did just that, I went back to the same job, same house, same life, that I had left. I haven't made more then token job inquieres  either and really I'm made at myself for leaving England before really trying to have a job and to stay as long as posible.  Then tonight I saw a friend on Twitter post that she was up looking at ways to stay and jobs (she's doing what I was doing last year) and I had the horrible thought that I didn't want her to do that because I hadn't I want her to fail, because I did .And that's horrible and not like me at all but I can't deny that it's true . I don't like being hirrible but I guess I don't want to be the only one who failed.

So like I do many nights I beat myself up and search for jobs at the worst possible time of night, (doing this while jet lagged and stupid is especially good). I knew coming back to England would be a mixed bag for me, so happy to be back in a place I love and feel whole, but knowing it's for a short time and I'll have to say goodbye with out knowing when I'll be back.

I know I'm an ove- emotional wreck, I let it out at the worst times (my con friends got to see a small bit and I hated and ashamed that I ever let that out)  But it's nearly three in the morning here and 10 back in atlanta so my control is all over the place and right now I just want.... I don't know what I wanted out of this, I 'd really like commoents of the ya you d suc type but most of you are far to nice and kind (unlike me) so i'm  going to disbale the comments. I just wanted to put this out in the void, of course if writing it out was all I wanted I could just keep it private, but then how aweful i am.

Good night dear void.


Oct. 3rd, 2014 10:32 pm
milady_vilya: (Foly)
 Do you ever feel like you sell out to being practical?  The teacher I worked with before I left for England texted me and let me know the county was going to allow her to get another parapro (which is what I was) and would I like the job. I said yes and have been feeling like a bit of a sell-out ever since. I went to the interview today, which was a formality and basically starting this Monday I'll be back at the school. On one hand it is income and insurance and I feel better about being a productive member of society and not just freeloading off my mom, but the other hand says I'm taking the easy road and a slippery slope back into routine and not the direction I wanted to go in. I'm worried that it will compromise my ability to get a job I want, of course the job market for film is an up and down one at best. I do not think my soul could bear taking a retail job again, especially not near the holiday season, I'm not missing important moments with my family, we have so few of them as it is in life. I don't really expect you to have answers for me I just want to say what I'm feeling, maybe it'll help in some way to keep me to my goals, I've changed a lot in this last year. I’ve  grown stronger I hope and more determined but I know my weaknesses, I'm like a cat when it comes to routine I don't always adapt well to change once I get settled. :)

Help me not to settle remind me of what I want to do, even though it’s scary and even though I often think I’m not good enough.  Push me please, I don’t want to give up on what I want, but I know I’ll need reminders. I am continuing to send out my CV and try for internships, but I worry that I'll stop, or silliest of all I'm worried I'll succeed.

milady_vilya: (KB powerful)
Hello LJ

The summer has been going fast and soon my time here in England will be over (for a time). I am in two minds about returning home, it will be nice to see the people and places I haven't seen in the last year, mostly my cats and my Con friends, but not having a job lined up straight away is causing me concern as is my mom's determination that everything will be going back to the way it was when I left. I feel my independence slipping away each time I look at the approaching date. I have tried to remind her gently that yes I will be coming back home for a bit but the possibility of me leaving to  find work and even just my own space is real ( I hope it is anyway, I know it will be tempting to fall back into the security of routine something that I have forced out of myself in this last year.)  I know she is finding that hard to accept and is is trying not cling on but she is anyway.  Every night I've been here, unless I've been in London or elsewhere she has called me, sometimes it's nice and she has things to tell me but  because it is so often we talk there is never anything to really talk about. I had hoped this year of being apart would give her a chance to get into new routines and organize a life not revolving around us doing everything together, but I think it's just revolved around her doing more shopping.

I already feel split in two, my life there and my life here in England. I've made some good friends, forced myself to explore and do things and  enjoy life rather then watching it go by hoping someone might include me, I've learned to make myself included. I have  learned to "Let it Go", and I can even let go of England, but "home" will never just be one place anymore.

I'll be returning on September 4th just a week after turning in my final project. My project is going well, I've built a mock up of my set and will start on building the real model when I return from London this week. I love London, I feel at home there, it is a place that makes me happy and I will miss it very much. I suspect this trip will be my last during this stay .

Other life thins I should mention, I have gotten work experience,  and so I now feel much better prepared for going out into the working world. I also got to meet my hero John Finnemore. He is a lovely man and it was nice to meet him even if my ability to speak was hampered because I couldn't believe I got to shake his hand.  There has been so much I have gotten to do on this trip, from West End plays to Directing my first film, to getting to look at original scripts in the BFI archives (That happens this week actually :)) No matter what happens after this trip I will live my life happy that I got to do so many of the things I have been dreaming about doing all my life.
milady_vilya: (KB powerful)
It's been well over a year since I've posted anything on Livejournal, and except for a few communities on here I really don't visit it any more. I find myself needing a place where most of the people in my daily life don't have access to so that I can write about things a bit more freely.. like my annoying flat mate.... but anyway I don't have any huge gripes right now I just felt the need to write somehing other then what i should be writing ;)

 I suppose a few updates are in order now that's it's been over a year. The biggest one is that I am writing this from my flat in Manchester ENGLAND. Yup I made it. Its been hard and exhausting fun, but it's the best thing that could have happened to me. I'm working on my Master's degree in Children's Digital Media at Salford University. I'm currently directing my first short film as part of a collaborative project for school, and doing a few other projects as well. I've made some great friends that I hope will be future co-workers. It's till up in the air if I will get a job and be able to stay here, but at least I feel like I'm moving towards living my life the way I would like to. It was extremely hard to have to let go of families places and friends in the name of moving on, but I know that I had to, other wise I would still be doing the same thing hoping that they would get better.

I'm still struggling with huge amounts of self doubt but contently trying to beat it back and jump into things that scare me.Like directing, my first rehearsal was disaster but but my second one went well, I'm proud of myself for fixing the problem and carrying on. I'm having issues again with controlling my weight, but again trying to get back into good habits, it's a hard habit to break over eating and eating sweets, particularly when you want to try everything!  But I'll get there in the end.  Mom's coming to visit in April and I'd like to lose some weight before then for our trip to Paris!

I am loving my time here and I do hope that I may be able to stay, although I miss my cats like crazy. Who knows what the future holds?
milady_vilya: (Me Amy pond)
 Greetings and Merry Christmas, it's been one hell of a year and God knows I don't ever want to do it over again!

I've been horrible about updating LJ and I have mostly abandoned it in favor of not doing much blogging at all. I felt the need to type tonight and communicate with some of you so I shall. I had to look back and see what all I had posted about the last year and how much I need to catch you up on.  Much of the  news was Flocked  so the long and the short of it :That my Father, Step-father and Grandmother all passed away this year, I got a full time real job, and... mostly this year has been a struggle to keep spirits up.   All of the deaths this year where unexpected and very painful, I did not get to have any goodbyes and with my Step-father there where many hurt feelings that can never be resolved. Because of the hurt  it took my mother a long time to come back to herself (understandably) and it meant I had to really keep it together when I really wanted to fall apart.  But it was not all doom and gloom I'm employed full time as a Special Ed Parapro  so I've gotten to leave the retail life behind. It's not an easy job but it's allowed me many more freedoms then I've have in the past. There was one point in the summer that it looked as though my position might have been cut but it ended up working in my favor and the short version is that I got to keep the job.

I am actively applying to Graduate School in the UK, I plan to go come hell or high waters this coming Sept (2013). I've got most of the application in I need to do the little essays they ask for the the application (which I plan on getting done this Friday when I've got the house to myself ). I'm  going for my MA in Film and Tv Production.

Other nice things that happend this year were going to Dragon*Con with my Mom, she came as a card carrying member and even cosplayed the whole weekend.  Although I have to admit that except for hanging out with my convention friends I didn't enjoy  Dragon*Con as much as I have in the past and because I'm wanting to do the grad School thing I decided to not buy a pass for next year. I will be going to 221b con and Timegate though.  

  Mom and I had  very nice holidays this year For Christmas we did a very low key Charlie Brown (although I wasn't feeling well for most of it) and Thanksgiving we enjoyed just getting to be off for the whole holiday,although I did go out and do some Black Friday Shopping for Mom while she was at work. Today (Christmas) has been very nice, we actually made ourselves relax and enjoy ourselves. I got a lot of nice things from Mom, including a new camera and yarn swift. Mom's going to help with plane tickets to England when the time comes. :)

New years is going to be low key since Mom's got to work New year's Eve and I return to work on the 2nd.  My biggest resolution for the New year is once again  weight, I was doing very good and keeping it off, but the stress the year has made it harder. I'm ok with that though, sometimes you've got to do what you can to keep going, but I'm going to be working extra hard to get back to were I was and below  before I get to grad school. My other resolution  is to  do the best I can to get into the school I want to go to, If the school turns me down that's fine just as long as I do everything I can to get there. I'll try and keep LJ posted on my school info, but I don't know if it's going to happen, I've been trying to keep a travel blog of the process of applying but right now I'm still at the beginning with that.   

I hope everyone had a Happy Holiday and I hope next year is better then this one.
milady_vilya: (bing bong)
  So revised  costume list for Dragon*Con (with do-able ideas)

*John Watson season one and Christmas jumper (I've got the yarn for this, but I haven't cast on yet, I'm making myself finish my other project)

*Katniss Everdeen from the Hunger Games (Arena costume)

*Capt. Martin Crieff

 more then this is  likely to happen, but these are the most likely to happen.
milady_vilya: (Default)
Wooo I'm a finalist in the BBC America Costume Contest, I'll love you forever if you vote for me I'm this one

vote here:
milady_vilya: (Default)
 I found this  flannel shirt on Ebay.  I was thinking it might do better then the other one I bought Amy, If I get it a bit big I can tailor it to be more of women's fit. what do you think?  
Picture of Amy's shirt for compareson )

 My other question is about the Harry Potter film. I'm going to the midnight showing (of course) and in costume. I had thought about  changing things up and going as Harry rather then Snape as I have done for the past 7 films, mostly because my hair is perfect Harry length and I don't have a wig for Snape (I've used my own hair almost every time for Snape)  I don't know if I ever posted pictures of the Snape jacket I made,it was a fast sewing job with cheap self cover buttons but it looked great for line sitting. What do you guys think?

This is from the last film, I had come from work so I didn't grease my hair  but it was fun. I was trying to finish it in time to wear  to School (I was in one classrroom for about three weeks and it was during Halloween) but I didn't manage to finish all of the hemming and buttons. i went instead as a student Slytherin (which the kids dressed as Harry Potter LOVED)       

It seems like I had something else to ask but I can't remember now... If I think of it I'll be back ;)


Jun. 9th, 2011 01:38 pm
milady_vilya: (TG Power)
  Hey everyone, thanks for all of your sweet comments! They really made my day and made me feel less nervous.

I ended up having to wait until today to get  the teeth out, my dentist was out sick yesterday. It went well expect for when I passed out :)   My cat was really cute though, when I  got home  and my mom got me to the sofa so I could get over my little faint   Bernie went all protective on me  and kept putting his paw on my arm and staying right by me. It was super cute, he's still following me around like I'll fall over again. I'm still getting a little dizzy when I stand up for too long, but other then that it's not been bad. I'll have to do this all over again in July, but at least it'll be done. 

 On the up side though guilt free reason to have a milkshake (made with birthday cake ice cream :)) and watch Top Gear on  Netflix streaming. :)
milady_vilya: (Amy's)
  I've got so much that has gone on in the last week. 

 Time Gate!  I had such a wonderful time this year, and all because of getting to spend time getting know friends  from Dragon*Con. It was really the first time I've gotten to chat with  everyone for longer then  waiting for a panel or parade to  start. You guys are even more awesome for long period of time.  I hardly went to any panels, although the ones I did sneak into where excellent. My own panel with Louis went well, although I think it would have been better without me on it, but it was enjoyable just the same. I had fun getting to know him better through the  year, and it was nice that he wants to stay in touch ( I  tend to fear that most people want to be rid of me as soon as possible.)    Doing the costumes this year was a blast, I really enjoyed being Utah Amy and getting to join in the fun  cult of Ginger :) I know I would have had much more to say about  if I'd gotten on the computer straight away  after the con but now it's just one big happy memory. I do think next year though I'll  stay at the hotel rather then drive back and forth it really cut into the fun time.    

 Right after the convention my Step-father left on a business trip so my mother and I got together for "Girls nights" which is really just us watching films and eating food my step-father doesn't like.  We watched  the  newest Doctor Who as well as several of the Russian Sherlock Holmes Tv shows. (if you are any kind of Holmes fan find it an watch it now! It is truly a wonderfully done series)  We also watched  "A Matter of Life and Death" (called Stairway to Heaven in America). It's an old film (1945)  and one of my favorites, my mom hadn't seen it before, but   liked all of the actors in the cast.  We had a great time, it was a nice way to  avoid convention blues.

We  (my mother and I) also went to see X-men First Class. OMG Fan girl squeee! I loved it. I've been an Xavier fan since watching the animated series  on tv when I was little.  It was so wonderful to see the character finally explored  in someplace other then fanfiction. It's also nice because before people would look at me rather strangely when I admitted to liking Xavier most of all, now  I think  there will be a little more acceptence in liking the character  with Mcavoy playing the part.   I went to see it again this morning and loved the film even more the second time. It has even started to cross my mind to do an x-men costume. :)

Tomorrow morning I go in to have my wisdom teeth pulled out, meh.  I'm  glad they are coming out, but I wish I could skip the whole dentist bit of it. So you may not hear from me much the rest of the week, or you may be hearing from me a lot. :)  I plan on finally watching the last episode of Doctor Who sometime during the week.
 I'm missing all of my timegate friends terribly, I can't wait to see all of you at Dragon*Con!
milady_vilya: (Oh God Yes)
 I just got from my last meeting with Louis on our panel for Timegate. We think we've covered all the bases (at the very least we can fake our way through :) We also discussed his Sherlock Panel which will be fabulous. I love chatting with him, he tells the best stories. I am very much looking forward to this weekend! The next two days are going to seem very long indeed. 
milady_vilya: (IAF for me)
 Watson's Jacket is really shaping up now to look good! I've just finished  putting the shoulder patch on (and twirling in the mirror)  I just need to cut out the elbow patches and sew them on! Squee! I'll be doing that after I finish my lunch.

Now  the big question is when to wear each costume?!  When should I do Watson? Utah Amy and Angels Amy? I don't know...ponders.
milady_vilya: (IAF for me)
 I didn't get called in to teach today and I wasn't scheduled to work  so I hit the Goodwill and Wal-mart  and found jeans and shoes for the costume. Tonight I managed to finish hand sewing  all of the corduroy onto the collar of the jacket . It looks great! It adds such a nice richness to the jacket and makes it look a bit less cheep.  If I have time tomorrow I'll start on the elbow and shoulder pads, but I now have all of the base pieces needed for the costume. YAY !

I won't be finished with the sleeves for the sweeter in time for time gate, not even close, but that's ok it'll be done buy Dragon*con.
milady_vilya: (people might talk)
Just a really quick post to say that my Watson cane came in the mail today!
*squee's like a fan girl* 

I decided to get one that could fold upfor ease of transporting in a suitcase during cons. But I did find one with the right colors! Go me! This weekend I'll proably be getting everything I need to finish the coat. I haven't gotten a chnace to finish the last  few rows on the sweater yet  tomorrow will be the day!
milady_vilya: (IAF for me)
 The main body of the Watson sweater is almost done, actually it would be done if I wasn't a huge idiot and hadn't forgotten to change to a smaller size needle for the ribbing on the neck. *headdesk* but still  it's just the ribbing and  it's wearable as a vest. (I'll try to get the sleeves done by thyen but I doubt I can knit them up that fast) But anyway the sweater fits perfectly and is dead on for what i wanted it to look like. Yay! I'm holding off on pictures until i finish the neck. but... Watson will be coming to Timegate! Oh I've also  just bought a cane for the costume as well. I just need to modify the jacket and find some manlier blue jeans, hopefully I can get going on that this Tuesday.

 Utah Amy is finished, I found shoes  this past week that look pretty close to hers (I really didn't want to spend the 89-110 dollars on the real ones) I just need to find a nail polish  that's close to what she is wearing in the episode. It'll be something very cheap since it's not a color I would ever wear. I'd really like to take the costume over to the park near by and get some more photo's if my Mom is game to be my photographer again

real life news:

I don't think I've mentioned it here but many of you are on face book so you know I cut all of my hair off! Yes I did, I'm now sporting a pixie cut similar to Natalie Portman's or Emma Watson's. It's taking some getting used to but you can't beat it for ease of styling! it really is wash and go!  My birthday was nice I spent it with my family, got my nails done (first time ever)  and we went out for dinner.

Um that's it, hopefully I'll be posting some pictures very very soon of a nearly completed Watson Sweater!
milady_vilya: (Amy Pond)

I couldn't bring myself to use fish sticks ( Matt Smith couldn't either he was eatting coconut cake). I thought french toast sticks would be a good sub, and they are so yummy with custard (but then isn't everything?)
If you don't like french toast sticks (or are having a time finding them) I did find this: (I'm not to sure about the peanut butter and sugar cookie together part though... chocolate would be better I think :)

Hmmm maybe I should get some bad bad beans too:) Oh and an Apple :) 

US friends Jammie Doggers, PG Tips (original, not special blend) and custard can be bought at Publix (they also have the right kind of beans too).  I've also seen one Kroger was carrying British Goods, but it was brand new (They also had a german section)

PG Tips special blend (and the custard and beans ) can be found at World Market(cost plus).

Both stores have the custard  in powder and canned form, I've had both and I recommend the canned. (the powder  is good but not as thick)

You are on your own for the Pond dishes, My dish set that I bought for collage was blue willow, for my birthday mom bought a me few more pieces so I had the set upstairs  so I could repack it together. :)

Utah Amy

Apr. 19th, 2011 01:38 pm
milady_vilya: (Default)

I just need the shoes and this costume will be compleate!

Sorry about the weird poses and faces I took these on my deck by myself ( the second one I'm trying to see if the timer light is blinking)  so there was nobody to tell me the wig had slipped back  :)  I didn't do the markings on my arm from the episode either (I haven't seen it yet, just promo stills)  I'll be sure to do that for Time Gate  and D*C. Now then off to find shoes and batterys  for my camera these two shots where all I got before my camera died.

milady_vilya: (TG Power)

 Both of my wigs arrived today and I thought you might like to see them. The Amy wig is a bit more RED then I wanted, I'm thinking I should have spent the extra 12 bucks and got the Linda wig , but this one is growing on me more and more (mostly after I saw it a bit more objectivly in the pictures).And for the price I payed if I decide Amy will become someone I really want to get into cosplaying then I'll get the better wig. I had a great laugh when I first put it on, I thought I looked a little like a man in drag, especaily since I have bush men eyebrows at the moment. I'll be having those done in a few days (along with my hair and nails, I'm getting a day of pampering for my birthday)

So here is the Amy Wig (keep in mind I only have my hair stuffed up under the wig, I'm not wearing a wig cap):

Pond, Amy Pond )
Sorry about the size of the pictures, I'm on my mum's computer and it's not got much in the way of editing software. Next we have the Watson wig, it's a bit blonder then I wanted, I'm consitering  coloring in the roots. I've also got my street make-up on so I look extra girly. The back looks great though I should have gotten a picture of it... The sweater I'm still working my little heart out on, I'll for sure be able to get done with the body of it by Timegate not too sure about the sleeves though, on the up side the sleeves don't have to be on for me to wear it ;) 

Watson, John Watson )
Hope you enjoyed or at thr very least got a good laugh!
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